“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 ESV
A few weeks ago, Lynne and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. Lynne and I are grateful to God that he has allowed both of us to live fifty years past our wedding day, and even more grateful to Him that He has helped us navigate both good and bad along the way. Reaching that milestone has caused me to reflect upon where life under God’s guidance has taken us. It’s been quite the journey filled with many blessings.
What have been keys to the longevity to mine and Lynne’s marriage? Let me share just a few. First, commitment is the glue that has held us together. Ask a hundred people what is the most important ingredient for a marriage to last until death comes and various answers might include love, compatibility, compromise, communication, honesty, openness to change. As important as each of those ingredients are, as I see it the single most important ingredient of a long-lasting marriage is commitment. Mine and Lynne’s marriage has demonstrated commitment in three key areas.
- First has been our commitment to God above all else. Our desire to know Him, love Him, serve Him, and portray Him to others through our lives has given us the motivation to navigate those difficult moments – especially in those early years. We have always desired for our marriage to honor and glorify God. Whereas it has not always done so, that has been our commitment from day one.
- Second has been our commitment to marriage as an indissoluble relationship. This commitment feeds out of commitment number one. We believe that in the heart and mind of God there’s no way out, and therefore we have never felt we had any other recourse than to work things out. That has proven to be excellent motivation.
- Third has been our commitment to one another as husband and wife as evidence to the vows we pledged to one another at our wedding – to never leave nor forsake one another, and to have and to hold each other in good times or bad, in wealth or in poverty, or sickness and in health. We have taken our vows seriously, and commitment to those vows has enabled us not only to survive but also to thrive.
Second, compatibility with our core values has enabled us to manage incompatibility in most other areas. Lynne and I jokingly say that we prove that compatibility is overrated. Whether that is true or not, we at least prove that one’s overall commitment to God, marriage, and one another is sufficient to overcome many differences otherwise. Our shared commitment to love and serve God, to prioritize relationships with family and friends, to pursue matters of faith and biblical living, and to see all our possessions as gifts from God to manage in God honoring ways, enables us to celebrate our differences.
Third, our willingness and ability to compromise on certain marriage ideals has positioned us to establish new ideals that are more realistic. Over my many years as a Pastor I have dealt with many couples in premarital and marital counseling settings. I’ve concluded that each spouse knowingly or unknowingly brings into their marriage ideas as to what they perceive to be the ideal husband, wife, and marriage. Where do those ideals originate? I believe the ideals consist of ideas developed while observing what they liked and disliked about the marriage they grew up observing in the lives of their parents. Additional components of their ideals may come from observing other married couples – i.e. parents of their friends. The key to a good marriage is what each spouse does when he/she realizes their spouse does not share their thoughts about an ideal husband, wife, and marriage. At that moment each spouse has a choice to make – make their ideal a hill to die on or see the differing ideals as an opportunity to create a new ideal for their family that both can agree upon and support.
Let me share an example from mine and Lynne’s first year of marriage. I brought into our marriage an ideal that in a marriage where both spouses work outside the home, a loving husband helps his wife with cleaning chores and with ironing. That ideal came from watching my dad help my mother in that way. What I didn’t know when we got married is that Lynne brought into the marriage an ideal of a loving husband who didn’t help out around the house but took care of the outside of the house and yard. Imagine our surprise the first time I jumped in to help her clean the tiny apartment we lived in while I attended seminary. To my surprise Lynne said, “Why are you doing that?” I responded, “Because I love you.” She then said, “Well, if you love me, then don’t.” Imagine my confusion. At that moment, portions of my ideal husband clashed with portions of hers. After talking it through, we reached a point of compromise where a new ideal was created for our home. She said if I still wanted to help, I could clean the bathroom because she hated doing that. A new ideal for our home had been established.
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. If you’re married, it sounds to me like a good time to check your commitments, assess your core values, and evaluate whether your marriage ideals are realistic.
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